Some friends of mine came into the restaurant to hang out for comedy night… and brought me flowers!! Such a lovely thoughtful gesture. So for the first time since moving to Vancouver I am looking at a crowd of flowers; overflowing, vivid yellow tulips with long flaming fingers reaching up to the edges of each petal…

I was feeling a little “blah” this morning and was about to crawl back into bed, when my ICBC lady called me and asked it she could close my case… I remembered I had a stack of receipts I had never submitted and asked if it was too late… she said no I could drop them off anytime… so that means I will have an extra couple hundred dollars or so… Yay!!

But I was still feeling groggy and disinterested in enlightenment… that’s when I looked up and saw the masses of joyful tulip arms reaching out to me… and breathing in deep…ahh, yes, I remember now “none of it matters because its jut a ride.” ~Bill Hicks

I am little bewildered because so many areas of my life are moving and growing, stretching into and beyond themselves like wild savannah cats; ready to leap and lazy at the same time… and then there are the few stragglers… the bits and pieces of my life that are refusing to change; like stubborn chameleons who keep favourite colour patterns painted over their bodies regardless of surroundings and the resident prey eying them up. Its beautiful to witness but very, very dangerous.

I have a need for intimacy and I have a need for independence; and I have a fear that both of those needs cannot be met simultaneously. So just behind this door, my loving consciousness waits for me, lounging in a rocking chair wearing fuzzy slippers and a honey smile because she knows the truth. “I’m made of atoms, your made of atoms and we’re all in this together.” ~ Ben Lee

I’m glad she knows because I don’t. This is where is all goes hazy on me. I have an inner knowing that there are no needs. Maybe there are requirements the body has to remain in this form world… but beyond that is anything a need? Which me feels in need of those things? Is it my sacred inner self that is connected to the divine Universal mind? not bloody likely!! So then? what other answer is there? If its not me, its my ego. My ego thinks things I don’t think and I don’t know how to disconnect from some of those longly entrenched thoughts. Some say I don’t need to know how, that just the noticing is enough… I wonder.

Maybe I can non-violently communicate with my ego?

Ego: I am angry, frustrated, scared, nervous, closed, lonely, guarded, fragile, jealous. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to lose myself.

Sacred self: I’m hearing you have a need for intimacy and a need for freedom and independence.

Ego: I guess so, but I still feel angry, frustrated, scared, nervous, closed, lonely, guarded, fragile, jealous. I don’t want to feel peaceful.

Sacred self: How would you feel, what would your experience be, if you did feel peaceful and couldn’t feel angry, frustrated, scared, nervous, closed, lonely, guarded, fragile, jealous?

Ego: I would disappear. I wouldn’t be important, valued, needed at all. I would be left behind, alone. I would die.

Sacred self: Is that true?

Ego: YES!

Sacred self: Okay, honey. Can you absolutely know its true?

Ego: I don’t know… I’m confused… I guess not absolutely.

Sacred self: How would you feel if you couldn’t believe the thought that you would disappear if you felt peaceful.

Ego: Peaceful.

Sacred self: Can you see a turnaround of this thought?

Ego: I will be more important and valued if I’m peaceful.

Sacred self: Can you see how this thought may be true or truer that your original thought?

Ego: Yes.

Sacred self: Can you think of any real-life examples of this belief?

Ego: I guess there are times when we are in flow and neither of us is battling. There is never any attempt to get rid of me in those moments…

Sacred self: Yes. I love you. You have value. You help to bridge the gap between the esoteric world and the world of form. You help me to see things that will hurt or damage our body. That is an important function, I don’t want to eradicate you. I want to live in harmony with you.

Ego: I want that too.

“Always forget how strange it is, just to be alive at all.” ~ Patrick Park

“If I don’t know what to do, oh I swear I won’t follow any of you.” ~ Brett Dennen…

I want a voice. I want a voice that matters; a fearless, joyful, courageous, inspiring voice. I am sitting in the dark of my apartment contemplating, as usual, my life, the world and my place in it. I am reveling in the feeling of my fingers on my laptop keyboard… they are deftly navigating the letters, translating abstractions of thought into cohesive (hopefully) sentences & paragraphs on the screen.

There is no reason to cripple myself anymore, I need to rephrase that there has NEVER been any reason to allow paralysis to hold me stagnant and motionless that I am wrapped and wrapped by spider fear with her sticky, silky thread. I have been dancing with this long-legged, graceful spider lately, worrying about how things will seem, what people will think. There is no reason to compromise, diminish, darken my experience in this world, because truly, what is there to lose? What is it I am afraid will happen? I will be laughed at? I will be alone?

“Oh tie me to the end of a kite, so I can go on, I can go on with my life… every time the wind grows stronger I will feel the spirit rise.” ~ Rosie Thomas

My wise friend, Michelle, says (and she says this to me a lot!!) “Who cares?” and its true… big deal!! I’ve been laughed at many times in the past and survived… and I’ve been alone so why would I cower and restrict myself in the face of some event or action about which I have manufactured a terrifying story. Why am I allowing myself to live in the darkness of these fairytales I tell myself? What would my life be like if I truly committed to telling myself the truth, if I completely, finally, let go? If I allowed myself to stand, stark, in the face of all my insecurities, my trembling heart pulsing and vulnerable, behind my open ribcage for all the world to see, what could I achieve? If I stopped trying, stopped wondering, stopped worrying like a dog with a bone, what marvels, what enchantments could I conjure? What secret words would I hear my heart whisper if I finally chose to listen? What wisdom and guidance is waiting for me there? If I close my eyes and listen with my whole, quaking being what will I hear, what path will be illuminated?

I’ve heard lately about some research about decision making and how the value is in quickly assessing the given information and sifting out the important bits and then being able to rank them easily, quickly. This is more effective than analyzing every detail, every fragment of information. If I evaluate every situation that requires a choice to be made with efficiency and faith and then pledge to take immediate action my life would instantly become extraordinary. There would be no space for the mediocrity of fear, for my old familiar, warring insecurities. I have an awareness of the tragic futility of “the science of selling yourself short.” I have a totally unique mind, a distinctive awareness and perspective of the world, an inimitable skillset that allow me to fit in my place on this planet precisely. I click in exactly as I am, like fuse into a panel box and the Universe reaffirms for me again, that truly everything is unfolding as it should… every molecule is in place, in its right place, in the only place possibility could ever allow it to be…

“So I turn to you and say ‘Awake is the new sleep… awake is the new sleep, so wake up and do it, whatever it is, go on and do it, whatever it is.” ~ Ben Lee

I have had a few days of mellow self reflection. I am always fascinated by how much I can learn from the people, environment, situations that surround me if I’m aware and willing enough. Everything carries within it a plethora of insight if I am only awake enough to receive it. Wisdom literally seeps from every crevice of the Universe. Who was it that said there are no new thoughts? Think about the weight of that statement! The answers to every question I have are present if I only condition my eyes and mind to see them.

I am a different person on Saltspring this time around… I have finally returned as myself, unlinked to the definitions and restrictions of my childhood, highschool self. I have come a long way, I am standing on a ridge I have never reached before and the view from here is absolutely breathtaking. Mountains are energizing, even the figuritive ones I scale inside myself. On this particular trek up the mountain inside me I have been pondering myself, who I really am. What it even means to be a person who can contemplate oneself.

Who am I? I used to play this game when I was a kid. Only I would have an animal clearly in my mind. I would answer direct questions about its composition to the diviner. Now the game is much the same save the clear image of what I am describing. I am exploring myself, using my senses, attitudes, perceptions to give me clues but there is no reference… no encyclopedias to pore through for supplemental information.

I think I AM how I’m LIVING. I don’t want to be my job, my societal position, I want who I am to be… who I am. To that end I have decided to compose a mission statement for my life and myself. I want to have a governing maxim that makes who I am clear, and foolproof when it comes to living in my own image. I want every action I take to further flesh out the picture of who I am. I want to always be expanding my range of vision, seeing more of myself, and seeing more detail… and I want every action, feeling, behaviour I have to add its own fequency that brings a new dynamic to the harmony, the symphony I am composing that is me. I want to always be creating, evolving a synergy of self that comes closer and closer to eliminating the gap between how I’m living and the image, sense I have in my soul of my best, most glorious self.

What marks the beginning of something? When is the moment of inception?

I feel a good cry coming on… the good kind, though. For me, they are all good cries, though. Its a very physical catharsis of the ashes that remain after the flame of energy has thrashed through my body. I am pensively, ponderously awakened in this moment. I think I haven’t been sleeping enough lately… maybe its that, or maybe its just the dip that usually comes after the energetic, passionate, productive period.

I am scared of more things than I realized… the deeper I go the more fear is there. I keep unearthing these unfounded fears, as I go deeper it becomes harder and harder to link them to events in my life, to my reality. How much of this stuff exists anyway? Did I sit there one day years ago and fabricate all these strangely intricate designs of fear… cutting, pasting, painting feverishly like I was in an after school art class. Fears are excavated from me like time capsules with scrolls in alien languages and artifacts my mind has never fathomed.

I have been dancing a dance these last couple of weeks that I haven’t danced in years. A vulnerability is surfacing in me for which I was unprepared. Its making me stiff, awkward, frozen in a painfully unnatural way. My spirit is in lockdown. I am walking through a forest in the dark and there are traps, spikes, dangers huddled in wait at every turn. But there is mysticism here, and something sweet and lovely and delicious that will be mine if I can only brave this forest, if I can only make it through. I must make it through, that is certain. I must “feel the fear and do it anyway” because I know in my heart that this is the only real living and that is what I’m here to do. But sometimes, I am still afraid to walk alone in the pitch dark. I have a theory that if you face down your biggest fears everything challenging in your life will seem ridiculously simple in the shadow of that conquering. I don’t know if this is true. I think it is… but at the same time, maybe new fears just grow up in the empty space. How can I ensure that once I have eradicated a fear something new wont send its tap root down and anchor deeply in my soul?

There is a pensive new green shoot reaching its first wet leaves up through my heart to the light of my soul… this tiny plant will flood my body with oxygen and enliven me if I can nurture its fragile life now, cultivate its strength and power. Encouraging and fostering its growth will allow me embrace my power and vulnerability same… because truly, what am I afraid of?

“Maybe life is a song and you’re scared to sing along, until the very ending”

“But…the love you bring won’t mean a thing unless you sing, sing, sing.”

If I spend my whole life being scared to sing along until the last three bars… that will be the most tragic waste… I don’t want to be a waste, I don’t want to be a waste. I must not waste away… I choose to SING!

Its been awhile, too long. I need to be connected in this way very frequently. I have had a busy, busy couple of weeks… but they have been amazing, too. I started a daily journal in which I record in point form all the good things that happened that day and the good feelings they gave me. This is creating a wonderful perspective on my life. I do not write and record the “negative” things or frustrations of the day, only the glorious moments that are linked to energizing, enriching emotions. Every week I sift through my list and pick the main ones… eventually I will have years and years of the most profound moments of my life that I likely would not have remembered otherwise.

This is living… the dazzling, delightful, magnificent radiance of being alive. I am doing it, I am doing it… right now. As a result of all this focusing on the good, through the process of recording my experiences, I have felt more on top of the world these past two weeks than I have in most of my recent months since moving to Vancouver in June.

Ideas are breaking through their shells inside me, pushing through barriers like a fleet of baby spiders, or baby turtles hatching. Each one has the potential for greatness, for a complete life, each spider, each turtle has the possibility of growing up… I am catching as many as I can and moving them to the idea refuge in my mind, that as many as possible will survive the gauntlet of my insecurities.

Okay, I don’t mean to start every blog with a music reference but it always seems to work for me. When I am uninspired, lost or blocked in some way I go through my faithful itunes library and choose a song…. its like searching for lost treasure.

“If you hear a voice call out your name… there is no need to be afraid, for its only freedom calling.”

Oh, dear, sweet Colin Hay. Now, this is a guy who really has it figured out. If you spend any money on music (or on anything at all, really) this year it should be for Colin Hay’s music. Buy all of his cds (especially Transcendental Highway)…. really, just do it… give them to everyone you know for Christmas or not Christmas or whatever you celebrate around this time. Your life will change, their lives will change. If you don’t believe me read these lyrics Freedom Calling — Colin Hay, I dare you to not be moved!! This song rises and rises and the bagpipes burst through and it is a truly angelic moment… Every single hair on my body stands on end and I shiver with the possibility… of… everything

Sometimes it feels like my body is too weak, too human, to contain the majestic dragon consciousness, as it wakes up and stands, striking and glorious inside me, on its hind legs, wings outstretched. But a really cool thing is happening to me right now; I am living my life again. I am opening up and letting the energy flow both ways through me. I am invigorated, motivated and still.

I am learning my formula for inspiration, solving my equation. I indulge in the “I don’t feel like its”. There are things that I know I love, that are good for me, that I will avoid because “I don’t feel like it” . Sometimes just challenging that is enough; saying “Really, Gina? Are you sure that makes sense, that’s what you don’t feel like doing? Isn’t this something you, in fact, do feel like doing?” Often that is enough to push me off the cliff, but sometimes I am a petulant billy goat refusing to budge, I dig my heels deep into the dirt and resist mightily. These are the days I just want to stay in my pjs, I look around at the dishes or the recycling on the back deck and I run back to bed like the groundhog who’s just been scared back into hibernation by his shadow.

There is a beautiful paradox of humanity here. The thing that makes me feel hopeless is the same awareness that allows me to feel glorious. “The deeper the sorrow that carves into your being, the more joy that you can contain” — Kahlil Gibran. Another thing that makes me grateful for my humanity is the impellent urge for growth, expansion, because… I AM learning. I am carefully examining myself, my strange repeating patterns, tracing my fingers over the lush veins of rose quartz and scraping away the dirt so my resplendence can be seen entirely.

This time what I’ve learned, uncovered, seen, is the need for an arsenal. I need to have a chest of weapons readied and easy to use in those moments when I want to turn and run. This reminds me of a comedian I saw when I was younger, Ron James. He is describing how he bought a shotgun to protect against intruders and how he stores it at the foot of his bed in a locked box. When someone sneaks into their bedroom and he “wakes up with a head full of sleep, he pokes his wife “honey, honey, what’s the combination? What’s the combination?! Hey! you better stay back, I’ve got a big gun in this box!” That’s why it needs to be near and easy, my cache of weaponry… if I am trying to remember a quote and I have to look it up in 3 different books, that just wont happen when I am in my shifty, uninspired state. My world has to be a display, an armoury of bows and arrows, and swords, brass knuckles, tear gas,and cannons and catapults, and I have to be ready and trained.

I am training. And I am collecting everything I can, everything that I know will pivot that instinct for retreat. I have songs, quotes, a long hot shower, a deep breath. I wonder, marvel, at the power of a breath that fills every crevice of my soul and my body. I take my stockpile with me now, everywhere I go, because one never knows where that goblin (and his writhing, drooling army) will be lurking. And I keep adding to my arsenal every time I can, every time I think of something, so it will be imposing in itself, so its mere existence will incite fear into those mucky little goblin hearts (Do goblin’s even have hearts? maybe they are sustained by some other slimy organ, that pumps sludgy brown goblin blood through crooked bodies, that we do not possess.), so there will come a day when those “hard times come again no more.”

Oh, yeah… I’m ready to take the recycling out now.

“They say we’re made of mostly water so how come we can’t find the sea?” Water Song — Colin Hay

Today I realized, remembered, reaffirmed that I want to live an EXTRAORDINARY life. I want to face the fear I have in my life, embrace it, and, holding hands, bring it boldly forth with me; tearing through the thick, stone walls like a finger through crumbling rice paper scrolls. Even as I write that I get goosebumps of fear all over my body. I gasp, and my stomach holds onto that gasp for dear life. To my mind, my ego, those words feel treacherous, that commitment is frightening and bare. I will have no excuse anymore if I call those words to live inside me. Right now, in this moment, still I have no excuse, but ego tells me all sorts of stories to support the opposite being true, to remind me that I cannot live any way but by his faithful, feardriven guidance. My goblin ego has created a foundation of lies that support the belief that the emperor is, in fact, clothed. The child; my deepest heart, is still gently calling me, trying to open my reluctant eyes to the naked emperor, but I am not having any of it.

I believe in a world of possibility. I believe in love… as my facebook religion states: Love. Plain and simple. Love everything and everyone; unequivocally, unconditionally & gratefully. That pretty much says it all… and, as I mentioned in my last post, one of my favourite lyrics is from the song “Gamble Everything For Love.” This is truly one of the philosophies of my heart… and I have not been doing it justice. I have not been living that in the core of my being. I am afraid of love. I am afraid of not being loved, and I’m afraid of being loved.

I have let my goblin build a big fortress inside my chest, with high walls and brave longbowmen and infantrymen prepared to die in defense of the fair maiden; my heart, they’re charged to keep invulnerable, safe, protected. My sweet and loving heart has been forced to take refuge in this tower, asked to slink back, to avoid danger, fear, ridicule, rejection, loss; all those sadly conventional, “reasonable” states of being that only have meaning to my parasitic goblin. There are no bars, no locks, caging my heart in that damp, tall tower, and to expect a knight in shining armour to blaze in and kill the faithful guardian army would be a shameful waste of such loyal, honourable lives. My heart knows this and will not compromise such a futile and tragic loss of innocent life by contriving an escape or pleading for rescue. So, faithfully and confidently, it waits there, alone in the tower, weaving baskets and telling stories to itself; still and patient, longing for, and expecting, my reawakening, the slaying of my evil ego goblin.

The good news is I don’t need a legion of slaves to dismantle the tower… I only need to make a phone call. Just one… so instead of playing the “what if” game of worry, I am playing the “what if” game of power. Not what if I make the phone call… but, rather, what if I don’t? Am I prepared to live meekly in the moment, my heart locked away, praying to my goblin as he reminds of the emperors fine robes? or do I want the life that is not just less ordinary, but EXTRAORDINARY. There is a choice, a choice in every moment… I “choose life”, but not just that, I choose alive, fully alive.

“There are those that have the flame and those that just want to get close” — Ben Lee