“If I don’t know what to do, oh I swear I won’t follow any of you.” ~ Brett Dennen…

I want a voice. I want a voice that matters; a fearless, joyful, courageous, inspiring voice. I am sitting in the dark of my apartment contemplating, as usual, my life, the world and my place in it. I am reveling in the feeling of my fingers on my laptop keyboard… they are deftly navigating the letters, translating abstractions of thought into cohesive (hopefully) sentences & paragraphs on the screen.

There is no reason to cripple myself anymore, I need to rephrase that there has NEVER been any reason to allow paralysis to hold me stagnant and motionless that I am wrapped and wrapped by spider fear with her sticky, silky thread. I have been dancing with this long-legged, graceful spider lately, worrying about how things will seem, what people will think. There is no reason to compromise, diminish, darken my experience in this world, because truly, what is there to lose? What is it I am afraid will happen? I will be laughed at? I will be alone?

“Oh tie me to the end of a kite, so I can go on, I can go on with my life… every time the wind grows stronger I will feel the spirit rise.” ~ Rosie Thomas

My wise friend, Michelle, says (and she says this to me a lot!!) “Who cares?” and its true… big deal!! I’ve been laughed at many times in the past and survived… and I’ve been alone so why would I cower and restrict myself in the face of some event or action about which I have manufactured a terrifying story. Why am I allowing myself to live in the darkness of these fairytales I tell myself? What would my life be like if I truly committed to telling myself the truth, if I completely, finally, let go? If I allowed myself to stand, stark, in the face of all my insecurities, my trembling heart pulsing and vulnerable, behind my open ribcage for all the world to see, what could I achieve? If I stopped trying, stopped wondering, stopped worrying like a dog with a bone, what marvels, what enchantments could I conjure? What secret words would I hear my heart whisper if I finally chose to listen? What wisdom and guidance is waiting for me there? If I close my eyes and listen with my whole, quaking being what will I hear, what path will be illuminated?

I’ve heard lately about some research about decision making and how the value is in quickly assessing the given information and sifting out the important bits and then being able to rank them easily, quickly. This is more effective than analyzing every detail, every fragment of information. If I evaluate every situation that requires a choice to be made with efficiency and faith and then pledge to take immediate action my life would instantly become extraordinary. There would be no space for the mediocrity of fear, for my old familiar, warring insecurities. I have an awareness of the tragic futility of “the science of selling yourself short.” I have a totally unique mind, a distinctive awareness and perspective of the world, an inimitable skillset that allow me to fit in my place on this planet precisely. I click in exactly as I am, like fuse into a panel box and the Universe reaffirms for me again, that truly everything is unfolding as it should… every molecule is in place, in its right place, in the only place possibility could ever allow it to be…

“So I turn to you and say ‘Awake is the new sleep… awake is the new sleep, so wake up and do it, whatever it is, go on and do it, whatever it is.” ~ Ben Lee